she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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