I think I won the penis lottery.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake