I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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