his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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