I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
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