So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I need to wash the frat house off of me
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
