i just wanna soil my oats bro
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
