i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
