Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
