from now on my penis is your penis
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
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