I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
