dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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