just come out here and I will go home with you...
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
