I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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