Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
