I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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