hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
