I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
