i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
