As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
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