if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
