who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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