no one should ever give us hovercrafts
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
