Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
