I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Randomize
