dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
