I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
