I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
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there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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