Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
