things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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