so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
