Apparently you make a good broom.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
