I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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