Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
