Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Randomize
