I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
