Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
