dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
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