go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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