i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
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