dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
