The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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