I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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