hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I just want to make out with him forever
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
