Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I'm getting married
To pizza
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Randomize
