not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
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