I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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