I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I licked your asshole in confidence.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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