she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Randomize
