Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
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