yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
