In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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