I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
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