i was rollin on her like bob the builder
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Randomize