so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
