You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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