I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
