I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Randomize
