I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
